Patong, Ladyboys and “Bar Girls”

Wow!!! What a day I had yesterday!  I had my first day of training and three and a half hours is a lot more than I am used to.  It was really good though.  Very, very hot and humid.  I sweat buckets, so I will definitely lose my baby fat.  Lots of technique…elbows, knees, punches, blocks and kicks.  The trainers are all total jokesters, they are really helpful and take time to make you understand.  There are about six instructors for a class of ten or so, so you get A LOT of personal attention. 

After class ended at 7pm, I showered up, got dressed and walked about 200 yards down the road to eat at Mama’s Bungalows.  I got a huge chicken salad and a banana shake for 100 baht (about $3.30).   I saw a huge centipede about six inches long, the thing was super creepy. 


Also, I love these little geckos, I wish I could take one home! 

I met up with about five of my new buddies at Mama’s: a couple of Americans (one from Santa Rosa!!!), a couple aussies, and a couple dutch guys.  We made the trip to Patong for a crazy Halloween night, I was told the place is “a third world Vegas”.  I thought I had prepared myself for what I was going to see, but I had no idea.  Literally, hundreds of prostitutes (or “bargirls”), street merchants, beggars, ladyboys, and tourists.  We arrived by taxi, one aussie was wrapped in toilet paper dressed as a mummy, one american had a little zebra tied to his crotch like he was violating the thing.  He called himself a farmer! What!?!  We hit some bars, girls were everywhere, hootin’ and hollarin’, grabbing at me, trying to reach in my pockets.  I went to take a piss, and got a funny surprise.  The bathroom attendent, after I had done my business, turns on the water, gets paper towels ready for me, and then while I dry my hands, he cracks my neck, massages my shoulders, and pops my earlobes (if you can imagine that!!!).  At first I thought it was a guy trying to violate me, but then I realized this is how dude makes a living.  He had a little tip basket, with no money in it.  He kept saying, “relax”, and I was like, “I’m getting massaged in a men’s bathroom in Patong.  I can’t relax buddy.”

We then moved on to a bar called Seduction that was having a Halloween party.  It was all you can drink for 500 baht (about $15).  I let my comrads get all you can drink and just drank from their buckets once they were too drunk!  I danced with a beautiful South Korean girl for like a half an hour, it was really fun. 


She kept saying, “You vewy handsome Amewican boy!”.  She was with a group of like ten Koreans.  In the middle of a dance a dude in her group came up and grabbed her by her arm and yanked her away, maybe her boyfriend (or maybe he wanted to be her boyfriend?).  Either way that was that.  After a couple of hours of drinking, dancing, laughing, and walking we went to grab some food.  This is the part of the night where I realized Aussies are truly nuts!!!  We were eating Italian food (believe it or not), this dude had a plate of spaghetti.  When he got up to go to the bathroom, he left his last couple bites on the plate and said, “nobody fuck with my food”.  Not the thing you want to say to a couple of drunk dudes.  His Aussie “mate”, pulled a fresh condom out, opened it, and put it in the spaghetti.  I voiced my disgust and said I thought it was wrong, but it didn’t matter, he said, “Don’t worry I won’t let him eat it”.  When he returned, he sat down and stabbed his last bite of food.  The guy goes, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you”, he replies, “Oh fuck off, you didn’t fuck with my food and I know it.”  He takes the whole bite, everyone yells, gasps and laughs and he still thinks we are just messing with him.  He doesn’t even chew and swallows the condom whole.  WHAT!?!?!?!  I was shitting myself!!! Aussies are crazy!!!!!  He still won’t believe us, even once we told him.  I guess he will find out today!!! So wrong… I could never do that to someone!  They just laughed it off and had a beer together…oh well.

At about 3am, I was ready to go to sleep and so were two of the other guys.  The last two wanted to stay!  I don’t no when they went home or who with…sketchy.  We got a tuc-tuc back to camp and I crashed hard.  I don’t think I can do many more Patong missons, the place is overwhelming…

Now it is Saturday and very hot. I have decided that I will need a motorbike, because you have to take a taxi to go pretty much anywhere.  A motorbike is 4500 baht for a month(about $135) and you can get them at camp.  Everybody has one here, Thai’s and foreigners.  I just need to be very careful, because people drive on the opposite side of the road here and they just drive crazy anyway.  There is like a ten second grace period on red lights here, fucking nuts!!!  No drinking and riding…

Two days here and already so much to take in….Wow!


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